The Globe, Alresford, Hampshire

Succulent, oversized, unwieldy delight

Burger source

My youngest daughter had an excursion on the Watercress Line with Brownies so I went in search of a place to eat, read, work for a bit whilst waiting for her return, and the well-reviewed Globe Pub, tucked slightly off the high street, promised relative calm, had good reviews and free WiFi, and it turned out… had a burger on the menu. Call it fate or call it good fortune, either way… I’ll take it.

The order

It’s literally just called ‘the burger’, but features quite a lot; wagyu beef patties, smoked bacon, Monterey Jack cheese and burger sauce, served with fries and a tiny pot of celeriac remoulade.

The meat of it

This is a behemoth. Towering, entirely out of proportion with itself, in addition to the advertised ingredients I can also see lettuce, a slice of tomato and chunky gherkins in abundance. The bun seems a token gesture next to what look like two five ounce patties, covered with a generous coating of Jack, and the whole thing seems to need the skewer to hold it in place.

In cross section…

The patties seem beautifully cooked, a brilliant shade of pink. They are tender; the bun, toasted on both sides, seems to hold up well. The structural integrity seems to hold up, against all odds.

First bite… and structural integrity collapses, the burgers sliding off each other and the salad, all of it slopping messily onto the plate. But the taste… is good. Whilst the patty has no char, it is tender and melts in your mouth. There’s no hint of dry-aged funk, this tastes like literally fresh meat, ground coarsely, and lovingly but loosely packed into a patty. The slight under seasoning is somewhat compensated for by the tasty cheese; the salad adds brightness and there’s a sweet and sour hit from the pickle. It’s good…

On further eating – now with cutlery on a disassembled burger – the bun continues to hold up, providing starchy counterbalance to the melange of flavours; the slick, sweet and savoury burger sauce provides moisture, the smoked bacon an occasional umami explosion and crunch, helping the unguent cheese to compensate for the burgers slight under-seasoning. The fact both patties are covered in Jack, and the buns have a generous amount of burger sauce across them, means even somewhat deconstructed – every mouthful of the burger is reasonably well balanced. It’s a nice experience… though I do have notes – specifically 1/ char the patties like you mean it! 2/ go heavier on the seasoning 3/ one 6-8oz patty would have done better for this style of burger than 2x 4-5 oz ones – you only ever want a double patty with a smash burger, IMHO – 4/ reconsider your bun/burger pairing and 5/ invest a bit more in the pickles too – make them yourselves, in a lighter brine, and slice them thinner.

On the sides… the fries were… fine. Well seasoned, crispy, but thin cut frozen chip variety. Nothing to write home about but perfectly pleasant dumped in either ketchup and mayo.

The celeriac slaw… was sour, sweet, savoury and crunchy all in one. It has a pickled undertone, possibly from a generous portion of capers that were in the tiny pot with the rest of them. It was interesting… but not something I’d rush back for.

The service… was outstanding. I was warmly welcomed without a booking, given a table, had my order taken within minutes, and repeatedly checked on with warmth and grace. The locals were full of warmth of good humour, there were good Christmas tunes on… all in all, it’s a lovely pub.

Monkey finger rating

Bun –  3.5/5
Build – 3/5
Burger – 4/5
Taste –  4/5
Sides – 3/5 – 
Value – 4/5 – £18 for burger and side, ish.

Burger rating – 4/5 – actually more than the sum of its parts, this one. Would recommend.

The deets

Find the 15th Century Pub as you drive into Alresford, or via its website here.

The Plimsoll, Finsbury Park, London N4

Possibly perfect cheeseburger

Burger source

The Plimsoll is on so many ‘best burger’ reviews it’s almost obscene that it’s taken me nearly a decade of my burger gastronomic adventure to get out there. But thanks to an invite from local resident and corporate affairs industry watcher, Helen Dunne, I had a good reason to discover quite how accessible Finsbury Park is from Central London and give the gastro-pubbed refurb of the old, Auld (it used to be the Auld Triangle, so that was a pun), Irish pub and its famous ‘Dexter’ cheeseburger. Which I’m told is named for the Irish cow breed used for its meat, not the storied serial killer…

The pub is apparently under the management of chefs Jamie Allan and Ed McIlroy, who previously ran a pop up called the Four Legs @ the Compton Arms elsewhere in North London. But I couldn’t find a website, so blame me for citing a three year old Guardian article if I have this wrong… 

The order

If you want chips, this is the wrong place to be. I had the Dexter cheeseburger (beef, cheese, burger sauce, pickles, fresh onion, crispy onion, brioche – £14), and we shared a pile of ‘greens’ (it’s a Caesar salad of sorts, at £11) and ‘fried potatoes with aioli.’ (£7).

The meat of it

OMG. You can immediately see the butteriness of the bun; the double onion combo is spilling out the sides. The home made pickles speak of sweet and sour pleasure; the cheese is melted perfectly on a beautifully charred patty… and the glisten on the brioche. Wow. If looks could cause type two diabetes…

In cross section you can see the build is pretty much perfect. The plate remains clean despite the healthy amount of burger sauce that’s within, the bun is super soft but providing structure, the meat is coarse ground and the assembly precise. There’s a lot to play for.

First bite… soft bread, robust, perfectly seasoned bite to the patty and a melty, meaty centre. The sweet burger sauce and unguent, umami-rich cheese contrast beautifully, and the double onion combo gives you crisp and crunch in one. The pickle adds fresh, bright sweetness with a sour pickle edge and tastes of the summer day on which it was picked. The mouthfeel is fantastic, the flavour sublime.

It’s just a glorious combination. It feels and looks small but this thing is dense and packed with flavour. The first bite loads my hands with grease and burger sauce and I don’t even care; I switch over to cutlery to preserve my dignity and my shirt, and to draw out the luscious sensory experience. Every bite of this is like injecting pleasure into my taste buds; I don’t understand the appeal of class A drugs, but this… This I can see myself getting withdrawal symptoms from. It’s glorious.

On the sides…

I love that the salad was billed as “leaves with vinaigrette”; this felt like a loaded Caesar salad, dense with Parmesan and a slick sweet and savoury dressing – which is what you’d expect for the money. I wouldn’t exactly call it bright and fresh – this is a rich, rich salad – but it was a lovely contrast to the burger.

The potatoes – are perfectly tender and simultaneously crisp all over. I didn’t expect to love them – I LOVE chips – but they are beguiling, and provide a heft that ensures you walk away full – we didn’t finish one portion between the two of us.

Monkey finger rating

Bun –  5/5 – soft, buttery pleasure
Build – 5/5 – clinically precise, beautifully architected
Burger – 5/5 – inarguably extraordinary
Taste –  5/5 – flawless victory
Sides – 4/5 – these were great but felt a bit pricey 
Value – 5/5 – it wasn’t cheap but if this is what I get, this is what I pay for.

Burger rating – 5/5 – this deserves its billing as one of the top burgers in London. Absolutely extraordinary.

The deets

It’s about 4 minutes walk from Finsbury Park tube. Take the Station Way exit. Go tomorrow; Finsbury Park is < 10 minutes from Kings X on the Victoria Line so there’s really no excuse for anyone who’s based in London.

Filthy Buns @ The Star of Kings, York Way, Kings Cross, London

Well formed but unbalanced burger

Burger source 

Kings Cross is a convenient place to meet with some of my oldest friends, but we’ve been to many of the stalwarts of the burger scene in the area. It was just our luck, then, that Filthy Buns, erstwhile of Dalston, has taken up residence in the Star of Kings on York Way. I wish there was more to their story than this, but it’s kind of joyous for what it is:

“Someone once said ‘You can’t call food filthy’ we wholeheartedly disagreed – Filthy Buns is all about grabbing the humble burger and turbo charging it to give your tastebuds a good smack in the chops.

Quality ingredients, banging flavours, freshly cooked and a funny name – what more do you need from a burger?…Ohhhh that bit of juice that runs down your hand when you eat it, well, we’ve got that covered too.”

The order 

I went for the ‘Smokin gun’ (Patty, swiss cheese, bacon, bbq sauce, miso mayo, crispy onions); friends tried le chunion and the sh*t cheese burger. We shared the ‘nugs’ (w/ BBQ sauce), a regular and a jerk-seasoned fries.

The meat of it 

There’s very little to fault here. A hot, toasted bun; perfect melt on the cheese, a generous portion of well cooked bacon, a healthy covering of BBQ sauce as advertised, and a delight of crispy onions for further umami and crunch. Does it taste as good as it looks?

Let’s look at it in cross section before we get to that. You can see the airy bun is soft and pliant, whilst holding its structural integrity against the heft of the burger/sauce combo. You can see a bright, warm flash of pink in the coarse ground, loose packed patty. Which is confusing, as on eating it – it feels like a smash patty, with crunch and bite… but also the tenderness from a more traditional patty. It’s a mindbender. You can probably see there’s too much sauce – we’ll come back to that – but otherwise there’s little to complain about. This is as advertised.

BUT THE TASTE, Armand, tell us of the taste! WAS IT RIGHTEOUS?

Well, no. Unexpectedly so. This is a burger that is curiously LESS than the sum of its parts. The bun was hot and fresh; the meat perfectly cooked, almost outrageously so. The bacon savoury and with good bite; the cheese unctuous and not overly salty against the weight of everything else. The crispy onions added crunch and my always-sought-after textural contrast.

But the BBQ sauce. The BBQ sauce is delicious, but it is massively overpoured. This means the whole burger is… tainted… with a saccharin sweetness that overwhelms anotherwise well balanced sandwich. Every bite just feels slightly off and whilst the individual components are fabulous – you are weirdly left longing for a bit sour pickle tang, or fresh lettuce crunch, or raw onion crisp – to temper the sweetness and rebalance the burger. The miso mayo might as well not be there. It’s such a shame – the components were so good, the balance was just missing.

As to sides…

Let’s start with the nugs; poor chicken/batter ratio (too much of the latter), slightly overcooked, slightly underseasoned. But crisp and juicy (when you got through to the meat) and well complemented, actually, by the self-same BBQ sauce in this instance.

The fries – regular and jerk – were outstanding. Crisp, fluffy, well seasoned, and full of flavour – they were fab with all the sauces, even the slightly underwhelming Katsu curry sauce I ordered as an experimental side.

Overall it was a great experience; the pub atmosphere is fab, service was brilliant, and the food and drinks were solid. But the burger needs to find the balance in the force for this to be really exceptional.

Monkey finger rating  

Bun –  5/5 – hot, soft, well structured  
Build – 4/5 – too much sauce! 
Burger – 4/5 – it’s a good patty
Taste –  3.5/5 – the sauce I think undermined the whole  
Sides – 3.5/5 – the fries on their own would have been 5/5. The nugs brought the score down.   
Value – 3.5/5 – £13 for the burger; £5 for the fries; £8.50 for the nugs. Not bad but not amazing.  

Burger rating – 3.5/5 – I really wanted to love this. There was so much potential. I think I need to go back and try a Sh*t cheese burger at some point!

The deets 

The Star of Kings is just a 7 minute walk from Kings X station, North and slightly East. I really like the buzz of Coal Drops Yard and that campus around Kings X; which does extend across York Way into this trendy, vibrant pub. That they were playing Blur music the whole time we were there was a bizarre and nostalgic bonus. Find out more about them here.

Victoria Stakes, Muswell Hill, London

An unassuming cheeseburger that surprises and delights

Burger source 

I was visiting a friend in North London and he recommended this local pub that specialised in ‘meat’ (slight overstatement, despite the ‘stakes’ in the title); rather this is classic North London gastropub fayre – locally, ethically sourced produce, prepared with love and friendly-local vibes. Lovely atmosphere, especially if you’re the sort of person who likes extra botanicals in his gin.

The order 

The burger is as follows: short-rib cheeseburger, chipotle mayo, pickle, tomato, onion, lettuce, [red cabbage] slaw & fries.

The meat of it 

It looked a little homely on the plate. Getting a decent angle on the burger in the lighting was hard – it’s an immense (8oz at a guess) patty, the bun looks deceptively ordinary and curiously toasted. The chipotle mayo looks concerningly thin and the skin-on fries – well, they look spot on. Out of shot – you’ll see a quenelle (don’t ask me why) of red cabbage.

Cross section time, ‘scuse the lighting.

The heft on the burger is immediately apparent; as is the enormous buffalo tomato slice, the thick slices of pickle, the bright, fresh lettuce, the softness of the bun, the coarse grind on the beef – coupled with its well-doneness – the even melt on the cheese and the puddles of grease on the plate. A lot was adding up.

First bite… it’s juicy; there’s a sour-spicy tang from the chipotle mayo. The pickle adds crunch but is very mild; the salad adds juicy brightness. The cheese adds a savoury goo; the beef itself has good texture; perhaps slightly underseasoned and slightly overcooked but it doesn’t suffer greatly for it. The bun is extraordinary – soft and pliant whilst being robust enough to hold up to the gravitational field that the burger exudes, at risk as it is of collapsing into its own event horizon. The combination is really very good – sweet, salty, sour, fresh – whilst at the same time beefy, gooey and indulgent – it hits a lot of good notes.

The sides – the fries are excellent – well cooked, crisp and fresh with just enough potato-ey bite, perfectly seasoned. The coleslaw – meh. Mushy and indistinct, without the crunch and zing you’ll get from a more traditional ‘slaw. Room for improvement!

Overall – a really good experience. Good service, good food, well prepared in a lovely environment. Recommend!

Monkey finger rating  

Bun –  5.5/5  – something really special here
Build – 4/5 – it does get messy – a lot of beef
Burger – 4/5 – cook it less, season it more, and possibly shrink it slightly 
Taste –  4/5
Sides – 4.5/5 – small deduction for the unimpressive quenelle of coleslaw   
Value – 4/5 – £17 for burger, fries and coleslaw – with a pint and a tip, £28 a head. Not cheap but not ridiculous.  

Burger rating – 4/5 – would definitely go again. 

The deets 

1 Muswell Hill. A map will get you there, as will this link to Victoria Stakes’ website.

Old House at Home, Newnham, North Hampshire

Very well executed pub burger

Burger source 

Living in rural North Hampshire, there’s with three kids, a garden to maintain, family commitments and busy jobs… we don’t have a lot of energy left over for date night. So the brief Amanda and I agreed on for a rare night with BIL babysitting was ‘somewhere not too far away’.

Having lived in the area for 12 years, there’s not that many places we haven’t been, but… a forensic search of Google Maps and Tripadvisor well-reviewed local pubs led me to book us a table at the Old House at Home in Newnham, an independent pub that had 4.5* reviews and was sufficiently nearby to meet the brief.

The order 

You’re always rolling the dice with a pub burger. They have such a variety of items on the menu, you know they’re not grinding the meat on site – therefore everything is cooked well done and there’s a chance you’re going to end up with a charred hockey puck rather than a burger. But… this place really reviews well so I thought I’d chance it. Here’s how it’s billed:

Homemade Beef Burger with tomato, lettuce, smoked cheddar, pickle, crispy pancetta served in a toasted brioche bun & chips

I was designated driver, so just lime & soda to drink… and I eventually, as you’ll see, fell victim to the sticky toffee pudding they had as an option for pudding.

Amanda had a fishcake and a crumble, which I’ll mention in passing as they’ll probably appear in soft focus in the background of my burger photos.

The meat of it 

Well, lookee here.

I’m not really sure what to make of it at first. Few burgers that feel the need to come ‘open face’ do so for any purpose other than misdirection (e.g. look at this brilliantly melty cheese… hiding a terrible burger)… but once assembled, you’ll see the proportions of the stack are all pretty sweet:

You can see the crisp pancetta sticking out the bottom left. The burger has heft but isn’t ridiculous. The salad looks crisp. The pickles – I started there – are sweet, sour and bright – a good start.

Let’s go cross section betfore we get into the tasting.

This is strong. There’s a crust on the meat, but it’s not dry at all despite being cooked well done. You can see the coarse grind of the meat in the patty. There’s a good amount of salad protecting the bottom bun, which is holding up admirably to the mass of meat above it. The bun is substantial without being overwhelming. The only real warning sign is the absence of any relish or burger sauce… but let’s get into the first taste.

Crisp, well seasoned outer, gives way to juicy, meaty centre – no aged funk, just simple flavours, but no worse for it. The bun holds up, adding a light sweetness and softness and crunch all in one. The cheese adds a light smokeyness and a melty pull, even as a savoury crunch comes away with the pancetta. A little fat oozes out of the burger as the sweet, crisp lettuce and tomato contrasts the umami bomb of the meat and cheese. It doesn’t need burger sauce – the moisture of salad and meat, the natural sweet and savoury – complement beautifully.

It’s really well done. If I was nitpicking, I would maybe have buttered the brioche (more?) pre-toasting, and used a blowtorch to add some char to the cheese melt, and maybe crisp the pancetta a bit more gently – it was a little on the blackened side of crisp. But really – none of these things diminish the burger experience. It is solid, and re-orderable, which is not something I’d often say of a pub burger.

The chips were almost perfect – really high quality potatoes, crisp on the outside and fluffy in the middle, and hit the goldilocks zone of well-seasoned. I had ketchup and mayo on the side which maxed these out – really solid.

(Amanda’s fishcake was apparently good too, on a bed of green beans and generously topped (and bottomed, it seemed) with hollandaise. She declined the poached egg topper it was meant to have, and I learned something about my wife).

A quick word on pudding (after all, this website is not dessertsource) – sticky toffee pudding is my kryptonite. It’s really hard for me not to order it when it appears on a menu of somewhere nice. And, gloriously, they had a ‘small’ portion option (£4.90 instead of £7.50 and not of Kaiju proportions). It was perfect – soft, steamy sponge, a lake of caramel, chewy bits where the dates hadn’t completely dissolved into the sponge, hot and steamy – contrasting beautifully with the cold, smooth ice-cream. <Chef’s kiss>.

(Amanda had an apple and rhubarb crumble with ice cream. Also nice.)

Monkey finger rating  

Bun –  4.5/5
Build – 4.5/5 
Burger – 4.5/5 
Taste –  4.5/5  
Sides – 4.5/5  

Value – 4/5 – £19 for burger and side, ish, £5 for pudding, plus drinks and service – it’s a minimum £30 a head place.  Good, but toppy for this particular menu choice

Burger rating – 4.5/5 – one of the top non-burger specialist burgers you can get, I suspect

The deets 

Newnham is about 10 minutes drive from Basingstoke, a few minutes from Hook. If you know, you know. Recommended. Find the pub here.

Fountain & Ink, Stamford Street, London SE1

Near perfect patty smash double cheese burger, magic fries

Burger source 

I was searching for a convenient place to meet a friend near Blackfriars that we hadn’t tried before, and this bar showed up with positive reviews. It had a smash burger on the menu, and I thought little else of it till we got there.

The order 

The Smash burger describes itself thus:

Smash Burger, double patty, double cheese, onion, pickles, skin on fries

I think it’s fair to say that’s understated. Let’s see how it panned out.

The meat of it 

The understatement carries on through the plating. This is… well, a little basic. But practical – space on the plate, everything doing exactly what it needs to do. Looks nice, though – strong melt on the cheese, lovely crust on the patty, good gloss on the bun, tidy presentation. Can’t complain.

And the cross section…

It’s brilliant. Soft bun, good density, perfectly balanced with a burger that may seem a little dry but isn’t. The stack is literally perfect – nothing to fault here – very well assembled.

First bite…. Soft bun, well seasoned crust, juicy burgers bound in melty cheese. Brilliant texture. Second bite got me in range of the sharp, smooth, mustardy burger sauce, which adds depth and heat. The meat is coarse ground but vigorously smashed, and well seasoned. There’s a light hint of meaty funk that makes me think of dry-aged steak.

The pickle added an absolutely delightful crunch, though could have added even more sweetness and acidity to balance out the savoury smorgasbord of the rest of the burger. Utterly delightful – I have to really search for challenge, and if the worst thing you can say about a burger is that you’d have liked the pickle to be a bit more pickley, and for there to be a bit more of the delightful burger sauce… well, it’s top drawer.

The fries… were unexpected. They looked like completely standard skin on fries. They probably were fairly standard skin on fries. But something in either the potato of the preparation gave pretty well the perfect contrast of crisp, savoury, well seasoned outer shell with a good level of crunch… and an unbelievably smooth, pillowy interior. Like someone had fried mashed potato but magically added the structural integrity of a potato chip. Delicious, moreso dunked in the mayo and ketchup we asked for.

Monkey finger rating  

Bun –  5/5 
Build – 5/5 
Burger – 4.5/5 
Taste –  5/5  
Sides – 5/5 – those fries are crack, man
Value – 4.5/5 – £17 for burger, fries and service feels right for this type of bar in this part of town.  

Burger rating – 5/5 – wanted to order another one immediately

The deets 

On the walk down from Waterloo to Blackfriars, Fountain and Ink is marginally closer to the Waterloo end. A really cool venue, good lighting, music, beer selection, seating and the rest; definitely somewhere I’d be happy to go back to.

The Leather Bottle, Mattingley, Hampshire

Creative, tasty, meaty pub burger 

Burger source 

I’m not going to lie. Whilst I’ve been wanting to go to this – famously – good pub for some time, I’ve not had an occasion to do so and I hadn’t planned to go there today. But, a car breakdown later, it provided a good car park and place to wait for the recovery van. I had 90 minutes to kill, which was the perfect amount of time.

It’s such a lovely pub. Warm fire, cosy interiors, lovely bar, great selection of drinks – I had the excitement of a lime & soda as it’s been a week from hell and that was as far as I needed to go…

The order 

Pretty simple – the steak burger. Here’s how it’s described:

Steak burger, beer onions, grilled pancetta, Monterey Jack, spiced tomato mayonnaise, fries 

But how did it pan out?

The meat of it 

So… it’s not a bad looking plate of food. Decent portion of well-seasoned, skin-on fries. Decent aspect to the burger… but there’s something.. off, about the stack. Despite that shiny sheen on the bun, the lovely melt on the cheeese… Let’s see it in cross section.

Well, that is… messy. The whole romaine leaves – I just don’t understand. Shred your lettuce, folks – it makes for a more robust stack, you still get crunch, fresh texture, and the burger’s less likely to pop out on first bite. Even moreso for normal people who don’t cut their burgers in half. I’m also not a huge fan of the giant tomato slices. But the melty cheese is in evidence, some chunky gherkins, a sweet burger sauce (more of the spicy tomato mayo)… and a densely packed but reassuringly juicy burger.

First taste… well, honestly? I picked out the salad and ate that first. And it was good – not only reassuringly crunchy and fresh but soaked with tasty, beefy goodness – that’s my kind of salad dressing. “You’d like ranch dressing? Sorry, no, you’d just like a burger rubbed on the salad?” YES PLEASE.

The pickles had also fallen out and were crisp, fresh, bright, sweet and sour – an absolutely perfect burger pickle.

Finally – to the burger. The bun compresses a surprising amount, and doesn’t have the sweetness of many brioche buns, despite its gloss. Which is good as the meat is slightly underseasoned – but still tasty, and well paired with the gooey monterey jack. The pancetta brings brilliant umami, but 1/ it wasn’t evenly distributed so some mouthfuls are better than others and 2/ it wasn’t crisp but isntead a bit soft and chewy, which is a shame. The patty, as with many pub patties, is too densely packed but a refreshingly high fat ratio means it doesn’t taste too dry, and it does seem to have come through a grinder coarse, which I always think makes for better mouthfeel. It’s definitely good meat. The whole experience is excellent, just slightly on the sweet side of the sweet/savoury balance that I love in a burger.

The fries? Superb. Perfectly seasoned, perfectly crisp on the outside and squidgy in the middle. The pot of sauce – basically ketchup, mayo and some spices – carriers a slightly chemically over-sweet hint, but is pleasant – better in the burger than as a side.

Overall a good experience – if slightly punchy at £17.25 for the burger and fries. But the lovely staff gave me the lime and soda on the house, in sympathy for the (nearly new) car needing to be recovered out of there.

Monkey finger rating  

Bun –  5/5  
Build – 3/5 
Burger – 4/5 
Taste –  4/5  
Sides – 4.5/5 -bump for the onion fries   
Value – 4/5 – punchy but worth it.  

Burger rating – 4.5/5 – probably one of the best pub burgers in my local area 

The deets 

On the edge of the village of Mattingley, the Leather Bottle is famous in the local area. Well worth a stop. It’s even better when your car isn’t being rescued from a brake failure.

The Ship Inn, Caerlon, Wales

Well seasoned, overpriced, oversized pub burger with amazing chips

Burger source

I’m going to be honest – we were trying to get into the incredibly well reviewed Los Reyes Tapas and Wine Bar on our friends trip to Caerlon. But the also well reviewed Ship Inn had space for us and had a number of burgers on its menu, so that determined both where we were going and what I was having.

The order

Expectations were relatively low – this is a pub, it was going to be a pub burger, but the fact there were three beef burgers (and two chicken burgers) on the menu strongly implied some craft. I opted – not to get the chilli con carne topped burger, and not to get the single bacon cheese burger – the smash burger I hoped would be more forgiving of the inevitable overcooking these burgers would have. It came with fries, we added onion rings, and we drank unspeakably saccharine drinks that are probably best not spoken of.

The meat of it

Decent plating, but the stack is clearly unstable. The patties are immensely oversized and not credibly smashed, the salad has literally put the whole thing on tilt… and there’s a healthy heft of interesting looking chips to be had.

The bun is great. Toasted on the inside but soft, whilst holding (just) the behemoth of the stack. The ratios are clearly off – wobbly, uneven salad distribution. The bacon is charred but not crisp, the cheese is melted, the burgers are fairly standard pub-style burgers and not noticeably smashed…

First taste – incredibly well seasoned, tasty bite. It is dry and a bit chewy but the umami hit kind of makes it worth it. A brilliant sweet relish tempers it and it’s quite pleasurable, if not particularly exceptional. Probably didn’t need to be a double, given it was regular burgers that were squished, at best, rather than smaller beef patties smashed and crisped on a griddle.

The fries were brilliant. Cut with a weird cutter that gave them vast surface area, they were crisp, well seasoned, and fluffy on the inside. Pillowy pockets, delicious dunked in mayo and/or ketchup.

The onion rings were tempura battered, large, thick slices of sweet white onion. Slightly underseasoned (easily remedied) – they were lush. Crunch, crisp, sweet, savoury, wonderful.

Monkey finger rating

Bun – 4/5
Build – 2/5
Burger – 2.5/5
Taste – 3/5
Sides – 4.5/5 – fries and onion rings both brilliant
Value – 2/5 – £19 for burger and fries in South Wales is crazy.

Burger rating – 3/5 – get the single cheese burger and you probably gain half a point, and value ratings.

The deets

Smack bang in the middle of Caerlon. Find it here.

Lord Wargrave, Nr Edgware Road, London

Possibly the best smash burger in London

Burger source

A friend with excellent taste in both bourbon and BBQ suggested we meet at this pub for a couple of drinks and dinner, and – seeing a double smash burger alongside a variety of ribs options, I felt confident that good things would follow.

The pub has high standards – from its menu:

ALL SMOKE – NO MIRRORS – we’re all about authentic London barbecue, with influences from around the world. Our meat is dry-rubbed, smoked in-house, low and slow, over British hickory logs. Our meat and poultry is ethically sourced, free range, and from local farms wherever possible, and our fish comes from day boats off the south coast of the UK, and is delivered to us daily.

Well. Expectations, much.

The order

We shared a half dozen crispy BBQ wings (my friend couldn’t cope with buffalo spice option), and naturally I had the Smash burger: double beef, double cheese, onions & pickles. I added bacon too, because… greed. To drink? House red, and I may have had an unusual bourbon because it’s a whisky bar too.

And I was tempted by a pudding. I’ll come to that.

The meat of it

Decent presentation

Take a look at that. That’s nice. Shiny bun, beautiful char on the meat and melt on the cheese, well balanced with the pickles and onions.

Let’s take a look at the cross section and see what we’re really dealing with here. I received a groan from my friend when I did this (as I often do).

Holy moly

I can’t explain this. It’s a smash burger – at most, two slender, three ounce patties. And yet there’s a clear and evident pink, uniform through the centre. First bite and you are hit with a wall of savoury – coarse ground, amazingly seasoned meat provides bite… and then soft, tender chew. the flavour is smoky, with depth but none of the funk that comes with dry-aged beef. The cheese binds and adds yet more umami; the bacon almost pushes it over the top, but the sweet pickle and onion tempers it. The bun is soft and holds together against the surprising heft of the burger. I force myself to take slow, thoughtful bites. Savouring each mouthful as the full extent of this creation – this masterpiece – of a burger works its way over my palate. Simon is jeering at me as a reverent look passes over my face; each bite surprises, delights and astounds me. This burger is glorious, I have zero notes. Not one. It is unimprovable.

So. Wow. Breathe. And then the sides.

The fries are – as you can probably see on close inspection – crisp on the outside, thick cut by the standard of American fries but thin for English chips. They are substantial enough that they taste of actual hot, fluffy potato; they are beautifully seasoned with salt and pepper, crisp without being greasy. Possible the archetype of what chips should be, could be, when they grow up. Without the ostentation of rosemary of any of that fancy stuff – simple, uncomplicated, perfect.

The wings are presented beautifully – I love the slim, angled slices of spring onion scatted over the – evenly coated but not dripping – BBQ wings. The sauce is smoky and sweet, but not overwhelming, nor particularly distinctive. The wings crunch as you bite into them, and the meat comes off clean – but is a little tough and chewy. Enjoyable, but I’d probably go for the buffalo if I went back, and hope that they would be more generous in the saucing process, with a meatier and more tender wing. Good but not great.

I was pretty full from the meal, but as regular readers may know, my kryptonite is sticky toffee pudding. It is the ‘BEYOND GODLIKE’ of dessert options for me and – generally – even a mediocre pud is a thing of joy. This time – it presented SO beautifully after being pitched to me by the waitress (it’s excellent, she said)… but then proceeded to have the texture and flavour of a mouldering brick. The waitress acknowledged that a knife should not be required to break a STP apart and graciously took it back, and off the bill. I’ll discount it from my scoring; suspect I got unlucky.

Monkey finger rating

Bun – 5/5
Build – 5/5
Burger – 5/5
Taste – 5/5
Sides – 4/5 – minor deduction for tough, slightly undersauced wings. Fries were a 5.
Value – 5/5 – it wasn’t cheap but it was WORTH it

Burger rating – 5/5 – genuinely one of the best burgers I’ve ever had.

The deets

You can find the Lord Wargrave pub a five minute walk from Edgware Road station, tucked unassumingly behind the main thoroughfare down to Marble Arch from the Marylebone Road. The extensive selection of whisky, beer and wine is another reason to go back. Simon had ribs, which also looked glorious. Atmosphere and service, great.

More on the website here.

Hunworth Bell, Hunworth, Norfolk

Enjoyable despite its limitations

Burger source

The Hunny Bell is a local favourite, in the middle of nowhere in rural Norfolk. Rated highly on Tripadvisor, and by locals we know, it was a fun family meal out.

The order

I hadn’t intended to have a second burger in our holiday week, but the description of the HB double cheeseburger, topped with Emmental, served with onion rings, slaw, on a brioche and smoked bacon… well, it just sounded great. So I had to give it a go. We shared a carafe of Sea Change Negroamaro, a red wine whose billing features environmetnal activism, with a proportion of profits going to dealing with ocean plastics. Sold.

The meat of it

Let’s look at the main picture again.

The plating is tidy but a close inspection will show – a burnt brioche, unnecessary onion rings and a burnt edging on the bacon that bodes poorly… but it looks well assembled, and I’m intrigued.

In cross section, the errors compound themselves. These are thick patties, but cooked well done. They are far too big for the burger. The emmental is well melted and there’s an intriguing layer of sauce on the bottom bun… so, on to the taste.

Well, the burger is well seasoned. The crisp bacon adds excellent umami. The vegetables are crisp, fresh and sweet. The patties are a little dry, but the spicy mayo adds the required moisture and a lovely depth of flavour. There’s a wonderful smokiness to the whole thing.

Then… the whole thing kind of slides off the romaine slice and tomatoes at the base… leaving, in short, a mess:

The rest of it had to be eaten with cutlery, in two halves, split top and bottom. Ketchup helped balance the half without the spicy mayo, and yet somehow, the whole thing kept me wanting more. Despite almost everything going wrong with it, I still kind of enjoyed it. Though I think next time, the belly pork Amanda had is more likely to be on my order card.

The sides? The fries were well seasoned, standard french fries, but slightly undercooked. The slaw was soft – lacking all freshness and crispness – the mayo / dressing was just too heavy. But the onion rings were near-paragons of the form – lovely, crisp, well seasoned batter, sweet onion within… if they were a little greasy.

Giving notes on the whole dish:

  1. Don’t burn the bun
  2. Shrink the patties – 3oz each is plenty, 4oz each was too much
  3. Switch to a patty smash. higher fat ratio, melt cheese on each half as part of the build
  4. Go heavier on the delicious, animal-style sauce, consider adding some chopped pickle into it too for a bright, sweet crunch amidst it all
  5. Shred lettuce for a more stable base – the single leaf of romaine is pretty in theory, but irritating in practice
  6. Swap out the emmental for a sharp local cheddar
  7. Double fry the chips
  8. Find a new slaw recipe. It was bad.
  9. More onion rings. Because why not?

And the wine? Delicious. In both form and function. Highly recommend.

Monkey finger rating

Bun –  2.5/5
Burger – 3.5/5
Taste –  3.5/5
Sides – 3/5 – the onion rings and wine redeem the fries and slaw somewhat 
Value – 3/5 – £14.50 for burger and fries. Wine and other dishes reasonable.

Burger rating – 3.5/5 – really much more enjoyable than it should have been

The deets

The food, service, ambience etc., at the Hunny Bell were all brilliant. The burger isn’t the best but everything else comes highly recommended. Visit if you’re in the region of Holt in Norfolk at any point.