Category: Reviews

TGI Fridays, Retail Park, Southampton

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Pricey but serviceable nostalgia 

Burger source 

TGI Fridays is, to my mind, an artefact of my teenage years. I remember a trip to the Science Museum when I was at secondary school that ended there, with the teachers sipping cocktails that my classmates tried to spike with tabasco sauce (Mr Collins seemed to like his Tequila sunrise + hot sauce, which is less surprising today than it was then), and I remember loving the indulgence of the Americana. It had a resurgence in my early 20s because of the cocktails – oh, the cocktails – but I probably haven’t been to one in about 15 years. And it was on the occasion of a trip to see the musical SIX in Southampton with the elder kids that we picked it as a dinner venue, and so naturally – burgers were had. 

The order 

I had the Fridays glazed burger – described as “100% beef patty coated in our Fridays® Legendary Glaze, Monterey Jack cheese and crispy bacon. Served on a bed of lettuce, mayo, tomato, pickled red onions and extra Fridays® Legendary Glaze on the side.” Emily had a kids burger but was anxious it wouldn’t be enough food, so I got some corndogs for us to share (minus the mustard, because, kids, fussy, etc). And Izzy had a sundae to finish, whilst Emily ordered a £7.50 rocky road milkshake. £7.50 – seriously.

The meat of it 

Well, that is decent presentation. Good crust on the burger, sturdy looking (but soft) bun, bed of salad in the right place with duly julienned lettuce, amazing melt on the cheese, good colour and seasoning on the fries…. and a slightly suspicious pot of watery brown sauce – the aforementioned glaze.

Let’s take a closer look.

Cross section confirms the robustness of the stack. You can see the meat is coarse ground and loosely enough packed. The bun has a good texture, and the salad is bright and fresh. The back bacon is slightly on the floppy side – surprising given the American tendency to present bacon as fully hardened glass-like shards of streaky – but – so far, so good.

First taste… sweet bun, excellent seasoning on the burger. The melty cheese adds a binder and texture but little flavour; the bacon adds savoury bite but little texture. The meat is decent but not special – a little on the dry side, helped by the mayo in the burger, good texture and well balanced on the whole – but it is somewhat generic to taste. Overall, however, the effect is really not bad. The sauce – adds a – not entirely unpleasant – saccharine sweetness when I dipped either the burger or the fries in it – but would NOT recommend dousing the burger in it as described – it would have overwhelmed everything and likely rendered the meal inedible.

On the sides – the fries were crisp and heavily seasoned – slightly too much so – with (I think) rosemary salt and pepper. A bit heavy handed, but pleasant, and a dip on ketchup / mayo / the Fridays glaze took some of the edge off the salt.

The corndogs went down a treat with the kids and I was only able to snaffle a bite – I feel I should like these but the cornbreading is just too stodgy – I think I was hoping for a battered sausage sort of texture (amazingly, I’ve not had a corndog before despite seeing them feature in countless American TV-series) – and the corndog coating is just more bready/cakey. The cheese sauce was bland and served no purpose – it was ignored.

Emily was defeated by her rocky road shake – so I got to have a bit at the end. It was creamy, chunky, luscious indulgence, though the bottle poured caramel and chocolate sauce gave it a slightly chemical feel.

Monkey finger rating  

Bun –  4/5
Build – 5/5 
Burger – 3.5/5 
Taste –  3.5/5  
Sides – 3.5/5 – good fries, meh corn dogs   
Value – 3/5 – £16.50 for burger & fries, £9.50 for two corn dogs, £7.50 for a milkshake – you get it. Not budget friendly.  

Burger rating – 3.5/5 – fine. Just fine.

The deets 

Find your Fridays wherever you are, there’s still a fair few around. This one is a 10 minute walk from the Mayflower theatre and not a bad option for those of us with fussy kids (or burger loving parents).

Now: I need to get to Hard Rock Cafe…

The Anthologist, Bank, London

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A paragon of mediocrity

Burger source 

It seems that I have something of a reputation for my burger fandom. So, when meeting an industry friend for lunch, I was asked ‘are you going to have the burger…’

Honestly, I was considering the salad. But I didn’t want to disappoint.

The order 

OK, there’s nothing fancy about it, but it sounded fine (though I have now had to Google ‘Applewood cheese’ – save yourself the trouble, it’s just a smoked cheddar) – the simply billed ‘cheeseburger’ came complete with: 7oz British beef, Applewood cheese, lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise & chips.

Unpretentious. Fine. Could be good – a good burger doesn’t need to be complicated.

The meat of it 

But it does need to be some other things.

Presentation’s OK (to a point). But some worrying tells. First – that pickle. Unnecessarily gargantuan proportions, slightly worrying shade of green.

Second: large lettuce pieces atop burger. Wrong place. Schoolboy. It’s meant to be protecting the underbun from the juiciness of the burger. And it should be chopped.

Third : where’s the aforementioned juiciness? Nowhere to be seen. That plate is too clean, that bun is too intact.

Time for the cross section.

Structural integrity of the stack was next to zero. Top bun slid off salad, which – unchopped – slid off in turn (dice your lettuce, people, it’s not hard. A rough chop is fine). The mayo is meagrely applied, the bun is even more suspiciously dry, and now – whilst the romaine is bright green – you can see a peek of an extremely underwhelming tomato slice beneath the burger, too. Now, I’ve always had my reservations about tomatoes on a burger, but a pale, flaccid looking specimen like this? No. Just no. It’s wrong. That said – the cheese melt is top notch, the burger looks to be made with coarse ground meat that isn’t overpacked… but it’s so dry. I’m worried.

First bite.

Bread’s dry. Burger’s dry; overcooked but tolerably pliant. There’s no sauce. There’s no salt. The cheese adds texture but next to no flavour – no smoke evident, applewood or otherwise. In aggregate, the burger adds texture but almost no flavour. It’s like chewing on burger textured cardboard; the mouthfeel isn’t bad, but the lack of taste makes the whole experience surreal. In fact, they could have marketed this burger as the ‘Covid simulator’ because it’s like they took your dang sense of taste away. If Uncle Roger did burger reviews, he’d be taking away the Anthologist Chef’s Uncle title in this very moment.

The chips – however – were fine. Well seasoned, crisp, made of decent quality potato, and only marginally too chunky for my liking.

Monkey finger rating  

Bun –  1.5/5
Build – 1.5/5
Burger – 1.5/5 
Taste –  1/5  
Sides – 4/5 – the chips were good, lose a point for being a tad on the chunky side
Value – 1/5 – £16 for burger and side, ish. But tbh at £12 it’d have still only been a 3/5.   

Burger rating – 1.5/5 – I ate it. Had it been much worse, I wouldn’t have. 

The deets 

I’m only telling you so if you find yourself there you remember NOT to order the burger; it’s a Drake & Morgan pub round the corner from Bank station. Avoid it here.

Fountain & Ink, Stamford Street, London SE1

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Near perfect patty smash double cheese burger, magic fries

Burger source 

I was searching for a convenient place to meet a friend near Blackfriars that we hadn’t tried before, and this bar showed up with positive reviews. It had a smash burger on the menu, and I thought little else of it till we got there.

The order 

The Smash burger describes itself thus:

Smash Burger, double patty, double cheese, onion, pickles, skin on fries

I think it’s fair to say that’s understated. Let’s see how it panned out.

The meat of it 

The understatement carries on through the plating. This is… well, a little basic. But practical – space on the plate, everything doing exactly what it needs to do. Looks nice, though – strong melt on the cheese, lovely crust on the patty, good gloss on the bun, tidy presentation. Can’t complain.

And the cross section…

It’s brilliant. Soft bun, good density, perfectly balanced with a burger that may seem a little dry but isn’t. The stack is literally perfect – nothing to fault here – very well assembled.

First bite…. Soft bun, well seasoned crust, juicy burgers bound in melty cheese. Brilliant texture. Second bite got me in range of the sharp, smooth, mustardy burger sauce, which adds depth and heat. The meat is coarse ground but vigorously smashed, and well seasoned. There’s a light hint of meaty funk that makes me think of dry-aged steak.

The pickle added an absolutely delightful crunch, though could have added even more sweetness and acidity to balance out the savoury smorgasbord of the rest of the burger. Utterly delightful – I have to really search for challenge, and if the worst thing you can say about a burger is that you’d have liked the pickle to be a bit more pickley, and for there to be a bit more of the delightful burger sauce… well, it’s top drawer.

The fries… were unexpected. They looked like completely standard skin on fries. They probably were fairly standard skin on fries. But something in either the potato of the preparation gave pretty well the perfect contrast of crisp, savoury, well seasoned outer shell with a good level of crunch… and an unbelievably smooth, pillowy interior. Like someone had fried mashed potato but magically added the structural integrity of a potato chip. Delicious, moreso dunked in the mayo and ketchup we asked for.

Monkey finger rating  

Bun –  5/5 
Build – 5/5 
Burger – 4.5/5 
Taste –  5/5  
Sides – 5/5 – those fries are crack, man
Value – 4.5/5 – £17 for burger, fries and service feels right for this type of bar in this part of town.  

Burger rating – 5/5 – wanted to order another one immediately

The deets 

On the walk down from Waterloo to Blackfriars, Fountain and Ink is marginally closer to the Waterloo end. A really cool venue, good lighting, music, beer selection, seating and the rest; definitely somewhere I’d be happy to go back to.

Flat Iron, 77 Curtain Road, Shoreditch

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Sumptuous, near-perfect chilli cheeseburger 

Burger source 

Flat Iron has been on my list for some time; a well established and popular mid-high end steak chain, I’d heard good things about the burger too and thought it was worth a shot. An opportunity came – I caught up with an industry colleague and we both took the opportunity to go for it.

The order 

It was a lunch so no extravagance – the smoked chilli cheeseburger, made with Flat Iron herd beef, which was a special – and a portion of fries (sorry, ‘home-made beef dripping chips’) between us.

The meat of it 

Let’s take a look.

Nice presentation – simple, wrapped to help with the cheese melt, and lovely when unwrapped – the look and the smell was incredible.

In cross section… wow. It’s a double patty smash, with the smoked chillis in between, a mayo/aioli and salad protecting the lower bun (correct), and the most incredible cheese melt. The bun is soft and incredibly well balanced with the meat – providing structural integrity but not endless starchiness.

First bite… OMG. The chillis are really gentle, providing virtually no heat but a wonderful, light… I want to say sourness? And the patties – seasoned perfectly, cooked perfectly with a coarse grind to the tender, juicy meat – incredible. Full of umami, the cheese pull added a lovely bit of drama. The fresh salad and mayo/aioli provided a little sweetness to contrast the otherwise perfect umami bomb of a burger. Just an absolute delight.

As to the fries…

There was nothing special about these fries, and I do not mean that as a criticism. Perfectly cut, perfectly fried, perfectly seasoned – they are very good chips. No crazy seasoning, no unnecessary toppings, just – wonderful, on their own or dipped in the provided ketchup and mayo.

This place is *great*. We were also served inside of 10 minutes, which was pretty incredible.

Monkey finger rating  

Bun –  5/5  
Build – 5/5 
Burger – 5/5 – I have no notes. This was perfect. Don’t change a thing. 
Taste –  5/5
Sides – 5/5    

Value – 5/5 – £13 for the burger £4 for the fries feels reasonable for this quality.  

Burger rating – 5/5 – easily one of the best burgers in London. 

The deets 

Just off the Shoreditech strip, there are a few of these around. Check the website to find your nearest and make it a priority. I want to go back and have the steak, now…

The Leather Bottle, Mattingley, Hampshire

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Creative, tasty, meaty pub burger 

Burger source 

I’m not going to lie. Whilst I’ve been wanting to go to this – famously – good pub for some time, I’ve not had an occasion to do so and I hadn’t planned to go there today. But, a car breakdown later, it provided a good car park and place to wait for the recovery van. I had 90 minutes to kill, which was the perfect amount of time.

It’s such a lovely pub. Warm fire, cosy interiors, lovely bar, great selection of drinks – I had the excitement of a lime & soda as it’s been a week from hell and that was as far as I needed to go…

The order 

Pretty simple – the steak burger. Here’s how it’s described:

Steak burger, beer onions, grilled pancetta, Monterey Jack, spiced tomato mayonnaise, fries 

But how did it pan out?

The meat of it 

So… it’s not a bad looking plate of food. Decent portion of well-seasoned, skin-on fries. Decent aspect to the burger… but there’s something.. off, about the stack. Despite that shiny sheen on the bun, the lovely melt on the cheeese… Let’s see it in cross section.

Well, that is… messy. The whole romaine leaves – I just don’t understand. Shred your lettuce, folks – it makes for a more robust stack, you still get crunch, fresh texture, and the burger’s less likely to pop out on first bite. Even moreso for normal people who don’t cut their burgers in half. I’m also not a huge fan of the giant tomato slices. But the melty cheese is in evidence, some chunky gherkins, a sweet burger sauce (more of the spicy tomato mayo)… and a densely packed but reassuringly juicy burger.

First taste… well, honestly? I picked out the salad and ate that first. And it was good – not only reassuringly crunchy and fresh but soaked with tasty, beefy goodness – that’s my kind of salad dressing. “You’d like ranch dressing? Sorry, no, you’d just like a burger rubbed on the salad?” YES PLEASE.

The pickles had also fallen out and were crisp, fresh, bright, sweet and sour – an absolutely perfect burger pickle.

Finally – to the burger. The bun compresses a surprising amount, and doesn’t have the sweetness of many brioche buns, despite its gloss. Which is good as the meat is slightly underseasoned – but still tasty, and well paired with the gooey monterey jack. The pancetta brings brilliant umami, but 1/ it wasn’t evenly distributed so some mouthfuls are better than others and 2/ it wasn’t crisp but isntead a bit soft and chewy, which is a shame. The patty, as with many pub patties, is too densely packed but a refreshingly high fat ratio means it doesn’t taste too dry, and it does seem to have come through a grinder coarse, which I always think makes for better mouthfeel. It’s definitely good meat. The whole experience is excellent, just slightly on the sweet side of the sweet/savoury balance that I love in a burger.

The fries? Superb. Perfectly seasoned, perfectly crisp on the outside and squidgy in the middle. The pot of sauce – basically ketchup, mayo and some spices – carriers a slightly chemically over-sweet hint, but is pleasant – better in the burger than as a side.

Overall a good experience – if slightly punchy at £17.25 for the burger and fries. But the lovely staff gave me the lime and soda on the house, in sympathy for the (nearly new) car needing to be recovered out of there.

Monkey finger rating  

Bun –  5/5  
Build – 3/5 
Burger – 4/5 
Taste –  4/5  
Sides – 4.5/5 -bump for the onion fries   
Value – 4/5 – punchy but worth it.  

Burger rating – 4.5/5 – probably one of the best pub burgers in my local area 

The deets 

On the edge of the village of Mattingley, the Leather Bottle is famous in the local area. Well worth a stop. It’s even better when your car isn’t being rescued from a brake failure.

Stax Diner, Kingly Court, Soho

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Uninspired diner-style burger with few redeeming features

Burger source 

We’ve exhausted many of the mainstays of the London burger scene, but this place made it onto a few top ten lists and had phenomenal photography, so we decided to stop by.

The website sells it like so:

An infusion of soul and a nod to the past, Stax Diner brings you an authentic, all American dining experience in London.

Which should perhaps have been a good warning.

The order 

We were a group of five, and shared buffalo wings (between four) and popcorn shrimp (between 5). The former was servered with a blue cheese sauce and coleslaw, the latter with chipotle mayonnaise.

Most of us had the Stax cheeseburger with bacon, as the main – here’s how its billed: two flat griddled beef patties, melted American cheese, crispy onions, gherkins, French’s mustard & Heinz Tomato Ketchup, shredded iceburg and toasted brioche bun. It came with standard fries.

I had a lychee martini to drink.

The meat of it 

Let’s have a look.

It’s not unattractive – decent stack, looks to have a decent char, generous portion of bacon… but slightly anemic fries. Let’s check the cross section.

Concerns starting to emerge now. The meat is completely cooked through (to a fault), but the meat doesn’t have a crisp sear, so none of the upside of a smash burger. The bacon is soft and chewy – I realise belatedly it’s beef bacon so is bland, and not at all crisp, and totally unnecessary. Crispy onions – a lovely touch – fall out everywhere, bringing a delightful crunch when you catch them in the right place.

First bite – cheese is brilliantly melted, but the bread, meat, bacon – all has a uniformly… soft… texture. Not terrible, but the lack of contrast is a downside. The slightly acrid spice of the French’s mustard comes through, overpowering the meat but without adding a great deal. There’s seasoning on the patty but its just a bit dry, even with the cheese and a bit of ketchup trying to help it hold up. It’s not unpleasant but… not remotely special. Which would have been fine, had I been eating it at a diner by the roadside by a highway in the US, for $10. But for £15+ – daylight robbery. Plus the fries – you can probably see – are woefully underdone, and mostly underseasoned.

To the sides…

So, the popcorn shrimp – lovely seasoning, definitely has hints of the south, good heat. But the batter slides off the prawn a little too easily and the chipotle mayo lacks heat and depth. More chipotle, bit more salt I think. And better prawns.

The buffalo wings completely lack crispness, but the meat is tender and juicy, the buffalo sauce is perfectly spiced, the slaw is creamy, crunchy and delicious, especially with the buffalo spillover. Damo polished off the blue cheese sauce with his vegan burger, non-vegan bun and real cheese. We had a pot of BBQ sauce as well which was a waste of a pound – sickeningly saccharine, not to my tastes at all, and no-one else enjoyed it either.

The lychee martini was lush – sweet and floral. Friends had an Old Fashioned (inexplicably including soda water) and a Mojito (the ‘worst mojito I’ve ever had’) says Damo. But Pob’s Margarita was apparently nice.

Monkey finger rating  

Bun –  3/5 – unexceptional  
Build – 4/5 – well constructed
Burger – 2.5/5 – underseasoned, overcooked, dry, and poorly contrasted by texture and flavour in the stack 
Taste –  3/5  – tolerable but unexceptional
Sides – 3.5/5 – wings and popcorn shrimp were ok. 1.5/5 for the fries.   

Value – 2/5 – £33 a head with two drinks for all but me.  

Burger rating – 3/5 – if you need a burger and no other ones are available, you won’t hate yourself. Not exactly high praise but… it’s the best I can muster. 

The deets 

First floor of Kingly Court, just off Carnaby Street. You can’t miss it. And if you like monstrous novelty burgers, go and have the insanity, which James had, becuase what double cheeseburger isn’t improved by a fried chicken patty? Well done Jimjamjebobo; keep the change, you filthy animal.

The Ship Inn, Caerlon, Wales

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Well seasoned, overpriced, oversized pub burger with amazing chips

Burger source

I’m going to be honest – we were trying to get into the incredibly well reviewed Los Reyes Tapas and Wine Bar on our friends trip to Caerlon. But the also well reviewed Ship Inn had space for us and had a number of burgers on its menu, so that determined both where we were going and what I was having.

The order

Expectations were relatively low – this is a pub, it was going to be a pub burger, but the fact there were three beef burgers (and two chicken burgers) on the menu strongly implied some craft. I opted – not to get the chilli con carne topped burger, and not to get the single bacon cheese burger – the smash burger I hoped would be more forgiving of the inevitable overcooking these burgers would have. It came with fries, we added onion rings, and we drank unspeakably saccharine drinks that are probably best not spoken of.

The meat of it

Decent plating, but the stack is clearly unstable. The patties are immensely oversized and not credibly smashed, the salad has literally put the whole thing on tilt… and there’s a healthy heft of interesting looking chips to be had.

The bun is great. Toasted on the inside but soft, whilst holding (just) the behemoth of the stack. The ratios are clearly off – wobbly, uneven salad distribution. The bacon is charred but not crisp, the cheese is melted, the burgers are fairly standard pub-style burgers and not noticeably smashed…

First taste – incredibly well seasoned, tasty bite. It is dry and a bit chewy but the umami hit kind of makes it worth it. A brilliant sweet relish tempers it and it’s quite pleasurable, if not particularly exceptional. Probably didn’t need to be a double, given it was regular burgers that were squished, at best, rather than smaller beef patties smashed and crisped on a griddle.

The fries were brilliant. Cut with a weird cutter that gave them vast surface area, they were crisp, well seasoned, and fluffy on the inside. Pillowy pockets, delicious dunked in mayo and/or ketchup.

The onion rings were tempura battered, large, thick slices of sweet white onion. Slightly underseasoned (easily remedied) – they were lush. Crunch, crisp, sweet, savoury, wonderful.

Monkey finger rating

Bun – 4/5
Build – 2/5
Burger – 2.5/5
Taste – 3/5
Sides – 4.5/5 – fries and onion rings both brilliant
Value – 2/5 – £19 for burger and fries in South Wales is crazy.

Burger rating – 3/5 – get the single cheese burger and you probably gain half a point, and value ratings.

The deets

Smack bang in the middle of Caerlon. Find it here.

Double Standard, Kings Cross, London

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Brilliant burger, capital chicken bites, fantastic fries, cool cocktails

Burger source 

The Double Standard, in the Standard hotel, has achieved a number of plaudits and made a few ‘best burgers in London’ lists, and as a supremely convenient central location for all my friends, it was a sensible place to go.

The order 

The burger itself is described with little ceremony – it is simply ‘the burger’, served with bacon and blue cheese, and fries. We shared a side of chicken bites, and mac and cheese, and tried a brace of cocktails.

The meat of it 

There’s nothing overly exciting about the plating, but its competent:

(Apologies for the lighting, it’s a stylish, dimly lit venue). It’s not easy to see, but there’s a brilliant melt on the cheese, a strong char on the burger, the bun is soft, the bacon in clear evidence. Lots good so far.

In cross section…

There’s a brilliantly coarse grind to the meet; the ratios of meat, bun and toppings are excellent, though it is cooked a bit more than I would choose it – no trace of pink – the burger is not dry, possibly thanks to a(n un)healthy fat/lean ratio in the blend.

First bite – a solid crunch from a hard char, the bun is as soft and pleasantly nondescript as you’d expect – lending structure more than flavour – and a light dry-aged funk from the meat comes through. The meat is reasonably juicy, but helped by a measured ration of relish, which also provides a mildly spiced sweetness. A second later, and you are hit with the umami, from the strong but odourless blue cheese and the chewy, substantial bacon – back bacon, cooked well but not crispy – and it binds beautifully. The contrast between the salt and the sweet, between the crunch of the meat, the chew of the bacon and the soft bite of the bun – is really excellent. My only note is that – had the patty just been a smidge over toward medium, it would have boosted the experience even more.

To the sides; the fries are superb, crisp exterior, fluffy interior, well seasoned but otherwise little to remark. Improved by both ketchup and the garlic aioli that came with the chicken bites. The chicken bites are a thing of legend (we ordered a second portion, despite the £8 price tag) – chunks of juicy chicken thigh, brilliantly seasoned, crisp and spicy and juicy all at once. The garlic aioli was an excellent contrast, adding a slick, garlicky sweetness with a dunk. The mac & cheese was mac & cheese-like, credible and competent but about as exciting as it always is – which – to me – is limited.

Cocktails are half-price on Monday and Tuesday and were good value at that price – the pina colada was punchy and delicious. The Elderflower Collins was meh (who aims for ‘fresh’ instead of ‘sweet’ with an elderflower drink?), but friends also enjoyed the Negroni and the Ginger Magarita.

All in all, an excellent experience, in a busy, trendy, highly styled environment, with decent service (slower on food than drink), tasty food, interesting drinks and in a useful, albeit unexpected location (the hotel is MUCH cooler than you would expect).

Monkey finger rating  

Bun –  5/5
Build – 4..5/5 
Burger – 4.5/5 
Taste –  4.5/5  
Sides – 5/5 – chicken bites to dream of   
Value – 4/5 – £42 burger, 3 sides between five, and 2-3 cocktails each. Not bad for where/what it is.  

Burger rating – 4.5/5 – deservedly amongst the best in London 

The deets 

It’s tucked in on the ground floor of the Standard hotel, literally opposite Kings Cross station on the corner of Argyle St and the A501. You can’t miss it, and you shouldn’t.

Street Burger by Gordon Ramsay, Cowcross Street, Farringdon

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Overpriced, overdone burger

Burger source 

Gordon Ramsay needs no introduction. And I’ve seen many videos of his online, guiding people on how to make the perfect burger. I’ve even been disappointed by a burger at his more generalist restaurant at the airport, some years ago.

But the Street Burger chain seems to be thriving and I’d never tried a burger here, so – for the sake of completeness – I wanted to give it a go. Though I didn’t have high expectations…

This is how Gordon’s marketing folk describe it: “Full throttle. Full flavour. Always.”

Overpromising, much.

The order 

The “GSR” – served with fries – came it at £16, and I proffered the (extreme) £3 for additional bacon. It lists as grass-fed Hereford beef, smoked cheese, house relish and salad. No option on how we wanted it done. An extortionate £8.50 got us five wings to share (opted for BBQ sauce as was dining with a friend who has literally no capacity for spice).

The meat of it 

The burger presents well, if appearing to be a little on the small side. Perfect stack, lettuce protecting the lower bun, fresh looking tomato, slices of sweet, crisp-looking red onion, perfect melt on the cheese, all contained within a soft looking bun. The bacon peeks out around the edges, modestly.

In cross section, the stack holds up well, but the fully brown meat, the absence of any pinkness and indeed with absolutely no juice or fat spilling through the cut – is a bit of a red flag.

First bite: there’s a pleasant dry-aged funk to the well-seasoned meat. The patty is dry – as anticipated – but an abundance of relish, the veg, and to an extent the melty cheese – add moisture to the bite and the flavour and texture combination is not bad. The bun holds up well, providing a good, soft, starchy contrast to the rich meat, and the salad adds occasional glimpses of fresh crispness. But… the relish drowns things out – the cheese serves texture more than it serves flavour, and you have to really concentrate to get any sense of the bacon whatsoever. It’s pleasant, but not pleasing – Gordon should be able to do better. A burger sauce or less relish, more, crispier bacon (for £3!!), and the burger finished at medium – or even medium well – would have had a massive impact on the burger experience here. Or possibly a better lean/fat ratio in the patty (more fat needed).

On the sides – the fries were perfectly crisp with a good starchy, chewy, potato core. An unexpected and slightly pointless dusting of sweet smoked paprika added little (other than confusion – what am I eating?), but they were otherwise  well seasoned. Delicious dunked in mayo and/or ketchup.

The wings… were small, crisp, and overcoated in a sweet and spicy BBQ sauce. A bite shows of crisp, well-cooked meat, the spice cutting through the sweetness of the sauce, and a light hint of freshness coming from the sprinkles of spring onions. These should have been great. But… they were too small, and too slathered for that. Juicy as the chicken is, it was so meagre per wing, and so drowned out by the half pint of BBQ sauce, that this goes quickly from sweet, spicy, sticky, sumptuous delight, to cloying, messy, overpriced disappointment.

Drinks-wise, we just had water – but it took the entire meal to have it delivered as Gordon’s people only had two waiters coping with a full restaurant. Their service and manner was faultless, but they were clearly rushed off their feet. Cue obvious gags about Gordon’s quest for margins.

£25 a head, with service, and no drink, for an average burger, disappointing wings, and better than average fries… well, you can draw your own conclusion. But in case you can’t… here are the scores on the door.

Monkey finger rating  

Bun –  4/5  
Build – 5/5 
Burger – 3/5 
Taste –  3/5  
Sides – 3/5 – Fries are probably a solid 4, wings are probably a 2
Value – 2/5

Burger rating – 2/5 – GBK >>>> GSR. Not heading back if choices are available.

The deets 

These are popping up all over the place; the Farringdon one is a 2 minute walk from the station. Find your nearest here, then probably stay clear of it.

Original Patty Men, Digbeth, Birmingham

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Crispy, cheesey, spicy, tasty doner burger

Burger source 

I was in Birmingham for a two day work event, and had a spare hour before my train home. Extensive research (10 minutes of Googling) found us Original Patty Men (“OPM”), on many lists as one of the best burgers in Brum. Their website is short on info but the Square Meal review says that their burgers are all made from Aged Longhorn beef. They are also known for some eccentric toppings so I may have broken my ‘standard bacon cheeseburger’ review rule a little.

The order 

Yeah, I broke it HARD. To transcribe the specials board; I had a £10 doner burger, topped with American cheese, homemade “kebab style” slaw, chilli sauce, garlic mayo and OPM homemade beef doner meat.

No sides, as I was short on time.

The meat of it 

You can immediately see why they describe themselves as “patty pimps and purveyors of filth” – whilst the burger comes neatly wrapped on a metal tray, the hot and steamy fresh brioche wrapped burger slides out on a slick of coleslaw dressing and garlic sauce. It looks the absolute business – toasted bun, melty cheese, slick garlic sauce, chilli coming through with the crunchy slaw, a round of tomato, some pickles, and the absolute crispiest looking doner meat slices you’ve ever seen.

In cross section, you can see the meat is quite compressed (but this isn’t quite a patty smash), and had it not been for the preponderance of sauces, you might be worried for how dry the meat felt on first taste. Speaking of the taste… on first bit, you’re immediately immersed in the soft, sweet brioche, the crisp, well-seasoned patty, the semi-pliant crunch of the doner meat, the sweet, slippy mess of salad and coleslaw… as well as the the gentle hit of garlic and chilli riding over the top of the flavour profile. It might sound like too much, but like a kebab, it all just works gloriously together, binding beautifully, making whole somehow greater than the sum of its parts.

The bun, toasted, despite its slim proportions, is in good proportion to the burger. And whilst it may seem hefty, the patty is not enormous and is closer to a patty-smash in proportions and texture than a full on gourmet burger patty. The American cheese provides both umani and structural hold, drawing the burger in close, physically and in flavour profile. It’s really very good.

Some minor critiques, though, as it wasn’t perfect… first, the meat was a little dry; and there was little age profile to it – it tasted good but not exceptional. Despite all the sauce, perhaps the fat ratio was too low, perhaps this particular patty had just been left on the grill a bit too long. I was early, so perhaps the first burger of the evening had hit a slightly colder grill and taken a bit longer to cook. The doner meat had amazing texture but little flavour – more beef bacon than beef doner in how it hits. The slaw could have used a finer slice – occasional bites pulled out large bits of cabbage.

But that’s really it. It was excellent. It will be high on the list of places to go – and try the sides – the next time I’m in Birmingham.

Monkey finger rating  

Bun –  4.5/5  
Build – 4/5 
Burger – 4/5 
Taste –  4/5/5  
Value – 4/5 – £10 for burger  

Burger rating – 4.5/5 – really had to stretch to find things to challenge here 

The deets 

There’s a few outlets in Birmingham. Find your preference here. The one I went to was less than 10 minutes from New Street station.