Jones the Grocer, Terminal 2, Heathrow

Dry, overpriced cardboard with undercooked fries

Burger source 

Not gonna lie – we were disappointed that T2 didn’t offer the delights of Wagamama. Dubious as it is as a source of authentic East Asian cuisine, my kids love it and I will basically be delighted with almost any variation on a katsu curry. But options at T2 for a proper hot meal are relatively limited and it was this, a pub, or an airport grade “smokehouse”. So we went to Jones the Grocer.

The order 

The burgers people were eating looked great. And I was drawn in by the marketing materials around the venue. So the ultimate mr. jones it was – a brisket and wagyu beef burger, topped with streaky bacon, mixed leaves, cheddar, a seeded bun, skin-on fries, and served with something called a bois boudran sauce (apparently ketchup, worcester sauce and shallots – though I’ve read of variants including tabasco, vinegar and other eccentricities).

The meat of it 

Let’s take a look.

So far, so decent. Salad in the right place, good melt on the cheese, intriguing looking bun, skin on fries… I’m not regretting my life choices, yet. Did it last?

It did not. The bun wasn’t particularly airy and flattened on contact with a knife. The meat is dryer than the sun and practically breaks in half, despite its coarse grind. It’s a double patty in there but there’s no cheese between the smash burgers (rookie error), and way too much on top. The (streaky?) bacon looks flaccid and pale; the leaves token and sad.

Let’s not judge a book by its cover though; first taste.

Oh no, this book was exactly as bad as it looked. The meat doesn’t melt in your mouth, it sort of crumbles in dry, mealy mouthfuls with each bite. The cheese has an acrid taste; like it was a sharp cheddar that had grown an unhealthy amount of pinmould on its surface before it was melted over the burger, the process entirely failing to mask the sharp sourness of the decay at all. The bun is inoffensive; the bacon adds unwanted salty flavour over the cheese and the fancy ketchup is nowhere to be found. If not for the fact that I wanted to be full up before the flight, and I’m incapable of wasting food and at this point too British to send it back, I would have left it fully uneaten.

Redeemed by those tasty looking fries in any way?

No. Not even a little bit. The majority had the harsh bite of raw potato; they were underseasoned and undercooked, and most went uneaten.

I think I got unlucky though; the kids burgers (similar in every way but less fancy) were apparently good, and their fries were well cooked. But goddamn it, Jones, for £19 you’d expect better, even at the airport.

Monkey finger rating  

Bun –  3/5  
Build – 4/5 
Burger – 0/5 
Taste –  1/5 – there are tastier hockey pucks, I suspect
Sides – 1/5 – undercooked and unseasoned   
Value – 1/5 – you won’t want to eat after this. And possibly not during it.  

Burger rating – 0.5/5 – the presentation was nice? 

The deets 

If you’re at terminal 2, I very much recommend you don’t have this. Some of the other dishes looked better but looks are clearly deceiving.

Black Bear Burger, Exmouth Market, London

Every bit worth the hype

Burger source 

It’s a lovely start-up story – from flipping burgers at the weekend to multiple restaurants and a pop-up across London, Black Bear’s popularity has been blooming over the last couple of years. My attention was drawn to it, because I’m either trendy or just a sucker for good marketing (depending on how you look at it), as I’ve noticed a wave of Tik Tok reviews for the joint, including a very complimentary one from Jon the Food Don.

Anyway, lengthy origin story on their website. Some excerpts focussed on the burgers themselves:

EACH DAY OUR BAKERY DELIVERS OUR BESPOKE BUNS FRESH IN THE MORNING AND OUR BUTCHER MAKES OUR BURGERS TO OUR SPEC. ASIDE FROM THAT, WE MAKE EVERYTHING ELSE IN HOUSE FRESH EVERY DAY.

AT BLACK BEAR BURGER WE ARE COMMITTED TO USING HIGH WELFARE, HIGH QUALITY BRITISH MEAT AND BELIEVE THIS IS WHAT MAKES OUR BURGERS TASTE SO SPECIAL. STEW’S FAMILY RUN A SMALL BEEF FARM IN DEVON AND HE IS PASSIONATE ABOUT ANIMAL WELFARE; HOW ANIMALS ARE LOOKED AFTER AND PREPARED IS SO IMPORTANT AND THIS MAKES A HUGE DIFFERENCE WITH HOW YOUR MEAT TASTES! THIS IS WHY WE SOURCE OUR MEAT FROM OUR AWARD WINNING BUTCHER WHO HAS THE SAME ETHOS AS US.

Black Bear website

Ok then.

The order 

Right, I went for the Miso burger (dry aged beef, cheese, smoked bacon, miso honey butter mayo, onions) and fries (hand cut, skin on). I also shared some brisket spring rolls (fried wonton with 12 hr brisket, cheese, & smoked bacon, with garlic mayo and pickles) and wings with bourbon BBQ & maple sauce. A *lot* of food, accompanied by a Maple [Syrup] Old Fashioned.

The meat of it 

Well, it’s a pretty thing, isn’t it? toasted bun, love the sesame seeds, glorious melt on the cheese, crisp bacon peeking out the edges, miso mayo coating generous but not ridiculous. How does it weigh up in cross section?

Well, it’s messy. The mayo splurges over everything, but the texture is fab, the bun soft but sturdy, the meat tender and not overly greasy despite what must be an (un)healthy fat/lean ratio.

First taste: amazing umami – crisp, crunchy bacon adds brilliant texture; the meat, coarse ground, loose packed and perfectly cooked, is juicy and rich, with the mildest dry-age funk adding complexity but without undue fuss. The miso mayo adds an edgey depth of flavour, boosting the umami even further, and the soft bun holds it all together beautifully. Mildest of criticisms; the bun: meat ratio was a little high in the bun’s favour but only marginally, and the crust on the burger was ever so slightly soft – a harder sear, or a shorter steam to melt the cheese perhaps? Don’t know. But really very little to fault; this is a burger you can inhale if you’re not careful – I had to pace myself and savour it.

As to the sides…

The fries were decent; not universally crisp, but well seasoned and full of potato flavour. The brisket spring roll tasted authentically of a cheeseburger but – despite being a savoury fiend in general – I thought it was overpowering. Too much salt – cheese, brisket, and bacon – in a crispy, salty shell, with only mayo and pickles to temper it? There’s a very credible cheeseburger flavour in there which I think I’d have mellowed out with a burger relish or something else to cut the salt just a smidge. Texture is spot on – crisp shell, melty, tender meat, gooey cheese (though I admit – other than the salt impact, I didn’t feel the crunch of the bacon with this one). The home made pickles were lush – sweet, sour and crisp. The wings – I thought were disappointing, though Simon enjoyed them – they were over fried and a little burnt around the edges, dark brown instead of a golden colour, and the BBQ sauce was a bit thin and sickly for my liking.

We were given a teeny tiny soft serve scoop to finish the meal, which was a lovely touch, and it was a welcome relief from the salt bomb of the evening.

Monkey finger rating  

Bun –  4.5/5
Build – 5/5 
Burger – 5/5 
Taste –  5/5  
Sides – 4/5 – 2.5 for the wings. Everything else was good!   
Value – 4/5 – It was pricey – £14.50 for burger and fries, then more for the sides, but so delicious  

Burger rating – 5/5 – one of the best I’ve had in London 

The deets 

Multiple locations, in Brixton, Shoreditch Box Park, Exmouth Market, Canary Wharf etc., – find your nearest here. Walking back from Exmouth Market to Farringdon, check out the views, man. Love London in the Summertime.

Anchor Inn, Lower Froyle, Hampshire

Amazingly well put together, if overcooked

Burger source

I was so keen, on the occasion of this date night, to order something that wasn’t a burger. After all, I have burgers so often when I go out – who needed another burger? But then… I don’t go out often. And there it was, on the menu; promising a single cut of meat in the burger (suggesting it is made in-house), slaw, and a variety of other things that sounded great. So I gave in.

The order

The British brisket burger featured cheese, ruby slaw, baby gem, fries, onion relish. According to the menu. I opted for the bacon for an extra pound.

The meat of it

There are some unspecified extras on the burger. You can see, in the featured image above, a generous slice of tomato, three dill pickles, and a very moreish burger sauce. Curiously, the burger patty – in the deconstructed plating – is on the top bun. A quick merge, and you get…

Look at the melt on that cheese! The shine on the bun! the colour on the slaw! Hopes were duly raised…

…and lowered a bit in cross section. Whilst the bun continues to look glorious, as indeed do the toppings (and bottomings?), the burger is too densely packed and is cooked to grey.

First taste – sweet, applewood (?) smoked bacon adds bite and an additional savoury boost, the burger has a hard, well seasoned crust – but the meat is a little rubbery, to be expected given how it was cooked. The quietly sweet brioche bun, slaw, sweet gem and tomato and pickles cut into the savoury explosion somewhat, tempering it, smoothing it out. The mouthfeel is… good, the bun is fantastic, the burger sauce is adding moisture where the beef has lost it, the balance is… surprising. And whilst the beef’s texture is off, the flavour is not bad. Not great in and of itself – but not bad.

The build doesn’t hold together well, the patty is sliding all over the place, so whilst the flavours combine well, it is hard to eat in its intended form.

So I have the second half deconstructed, eating each bit separately. It confirms – excellent bun, sauce, thick-cut streaky bacon and slaw. The burger is almost burnt on the outside – the chef must have gone overboard with the sear, and (I’m guessing) squashed the burger on the grill to “help” it cook through. The single cut of beef leads to a very uniform texture but perhaps not the most inspiring flavour – other cuts add this, I seem to remember from the burger masterclass at Cut & Grind.

It was hard to gauge how I felt about this burger. The pub is so good – amazing atmosphere, roaring fire, a gentle susurration from the happy clientele all around us, good Covid protocol that we could see, fast moving and attentive wait staff. I had an excellent glass of Italian red to sip alongside the burger (a Cento Cavali Nero d’Avola). I was celebrating 15 years of dating my wife. Maybe the mood took me, but damn, I enjoyed this burger in spite of its limitations.

And the fries? Perfection. Crisp, soft centred, good potato flavour, well seasoned without being mouth-wrinklingly salty, delicious dunked in a bit of ketchup or mayo.

Monkey finger rating

Bun –  5/5
Build – 3.5/5 – weird reverse assembly, slidey in the bun
Burger – 2.5/5 – taste is ok behind the terrible texture and oversear
Taste –  4/5 – the sauce and trimmings make it up
Sides – 5/5 – calling the fries ‘sides’ is generous, but they were perfect
Value – 3.5/5 – £16 for the burger and fries. The glass of wine was pricey too

Burger rating – 4/5 – surprising myself with this score. It may not objectively have been good, but it was a brilliant experience, and I enjoyed the burger in spite of its limitations.

The deets

The Anchor Inn is in the middle of nowhere in North Hampshire. On a cold winter night, expect dark roads, blind turns, the occasional deer in your path. In other words, a perfect country pub. Find out more at the link.

Porky’s, 18 New Globe Walk, Bankside

Well cooked, well-constructed, slightly sweet burger in this meat-palace

Burger source

Independently owned by husband and wife team Simon and Joy Briggs, two road-tripping Brits who fell in love with Memphis, Porky’s is a full-on-rib shack. But they have a decent burger selection and were shortlisted for an award lately so we thought we’d give them a try. The burgers are 100% brisket mince, and to be honest I’m not sure what that’s meant to add to the burger (the brisket is a ‘primal cut’ of beef, featuring muscle and lots of connective tissue, classically braised or roasted – not sure if or how it has to be treated in a burger).

The order

A lunchtime visit so little extravagance; a ‘Beale Street Special’ and fries was the sum total of the order. The Beale Street special is a cheeseburger with onion rings, jalapenos and hot sauce. There wasn’t a ‘standard’ cheese and bacon, so I opted for this as the closest option on the menu!

The meat of it

Porkies_main.jpg

It’s a well presented burger, to be sure. Like Byron, it was a little too perfect, and I wondered what would happen on the cross-section…

Porkies_cross.jpg

…but medium rare it was, juicy and perfectly cooked.

As to the taste… I was unsure about the hot sauce – have never been a fan in anything other than Buffalo wings. However it adds just a gentle heat to the backdrop of an extremely meaty burger. Perfect grind, well-seasoned, intensely flavoured (maybe it’s the brisket?), this is a burger that’s more than the sum of its part. Like the Byron B-Rex, the combination of jalapeno, onion and pickles – alongside a brioche bun – adds a lot of sweetness, and the burger probably could have used a little bacon to take the edge off it…. But on balance the taste was excellent. Juicy, high quality beef, wrapped in a stack of complementary ingredients, well prepared and presented.

Porkies_fries

As to the fries… as you can see from the picture, they didn’t look like much. McD’s style thin cut fries, arriving in need of seasoning… but it’s a healthy portion for the money, and they are much more crisp than they appear, so on balance – a good thing. Colleagues had the sweet potato fries, which also looked good.

Monkey finger rating

Bun –  4/5
Build – 4/5
Burger – 4/5
Taste –  4/5
Sides – 3.5/5 – good but unexceptional
Value – 4/5 – £12 for burger and side, ish… but then 20% discount with a Bankside Buzzcard!

Burger rating – 4/5 – meaty goodness that would have benefited from a little more saltiness and chew amongst the sweet and spicy toppings.

The deets

Just round the corner from the Tate and the South Bank, this branch of Porky’s is super-convenient to my office. They have one in Camden, too, if you’re North, or Boxpark if you’re East. All locations here.